Going solo still gives me butterflies
And nervous pee, or is that just anxiety? #18
Lately I’ve been to a few events solo and even though I have been doing this for years, I still get butterflies. I still have to pee a thousand times before I leave home. I still basically get a little anxious. I don’t see myself as an anxious person. I can walk into a bar, restaurant, theatre or anywhere and not be overcome with crippling anxiety. I book events without a care in the world based on the fact that I really want to see that show/band/movie, etc. So it still rattles me when every now and then I get a deep fear of leaving the house that makes me battle with myself on the pros and cons of going or not, even when I’ve paid for a great seat.
This happened to me this past weekend and I eventually fought the anxiousness and butterflies, peed a hundred times and headed off to my event in 40 degree Celsius weather - yes that would have been a valid reason to stay home, but I didn’t! And I’m glad I didn’t because I had an amazing night and saw a great band! But this episode got me thinking about why this happened, when the event had been planned for weeks. So much so that I have spent the past few days doing a deep dive into the thoughts and feelings I had surrounding this event, hence the reason this post is a little later than normal.
Twenty years ago, I wouldn’t have had a second thought about any of this. I booked tickets and I went. As this recent event was to see a band, I thought back to similar experiences where I went on my own when I was much younger, like seeing Pearl Jam (standing) and The Hilltop Hoods (seated) circa 2010, Lily Allen (standing) in 2009 and many more. For each of the three mentioned, I don’t even recall being nervous, although I probably was. What I recall is chatting to everyone around me while queuing up to get in, buying drinks and merch unfazed, some tall blokes clearing the view in front of me so I could see at Pearl Jam, chatting to seat mates at Hilltop Hoods and learning they were from Newcastle on a first date and shouting each other drinks. I don’t recall even considering not showing up, unlike several events in the past year. Is it my age, is it my conscious, is it actually a deep-seated fear surfacing, or is it just too much interference from all that is out there on social media. In the end I decided it was a combination of my age and social media.
The judgement of me by others was never really there before. I never had people saying I couldn’t do things because I was single/a woman/of a certain age, etc. I did not have social media back then, but I was also younger - under 40. I only got Instagram nine years ago in 2014 (I had to look this up) and it is the only platform I am active on, although I do have Threads. I’m not the biggest fan of social media, I deleted Facebook during the pandemic, it takes up too much time and gave me nothing of substance. I go through phases of Instagram spam and then months of not using it at all. But what I have noticed is that while I never hear these words from my own friends and family, I have heard it in many places on the internet and social media. Such phrases as “Gee you’re brave going alone”, “You’re too old to wear that”, “Is it really that safe?”, “It must be lonely”, “three items to take with you to avoid [insert single woman disaster here]” are thrown around all the time, even on social media accounts that are aimed at single and/or older women. Some podcasts I’ve listened to recently are also to blame. So although these thoughts were never in my conscious or subconscious before, they most definitely are now. And, in a nutshell, this is why I have been experiencing these anxious bouts of nervousness before going to an event in recent times.
There have been two in the last year that I did not go. I kicked myself afterwards when I saw wrap-ups of those events on the news and social media and immediately regretted not going. I vowed to never let that happen again, I didn’t want to regret missing out. I told myself I would rather feel that uncomfortableness for a few minutes, maybe an hour or so, rather than regret something for the rest of my life. So this past weekend when it hit me again (and I almost very nearly didn’t go) I had some tools to help me get through the butterflies. Most of these were around thoughts and conscious statements to myself. Recognising the “off” thought and replacing it with something better. I told myself I would regret it like last time, no one cares that you’re on your own, they’re only worried about themselves, once you leave the house everything will be ok and you will feel differently - excited even, you’re lucky that you can go - so go, it might be your last chance to see this band live, you’ll only feel uncomfortable until you’re on your way there, there will be people there your own age, you won’t be the only one going alone, no one’s taking any notice of you.
So yes, I was uncomfortable for an hour or so while I was working through these thoughts and willing myself to go. I left with plenty of time to spare, but only just made it on time due to a train breakdown in the extremely hot weather. I got some drinks and made it to my seat about 15 minutes until show time. No time to buy merch which left me a little disappointed, but not as disappointed as I would have been if I did not go at all. I spent the next hour and a half, dancing and singing like younger me and not caring one iota about the people around me. I came to enjoy myself and indulge in some music from my younger years and that’s exactly what I did. I’m glad I’m “brave enough” to go alone, because I would miss out on some fantastic events if I wasn’t. Future me is now very proud that I did not give in to the inner critic that has been created within me and went to the event alone. For future events, I just have to work through whatever comes into my head as I know for a fact that if I go, I will enjoy it far more than if I don’t go.
I’ve heard many people say it but it really is true - you have to get comfortable being uncomfortable - to achieve everything you want to.
Go forth my friends and do things that make you happy, even if a little uncomfortable on the way!
These are some pics on why I would have regretted it….he was so close I almost touched him!
